When it’s time to make a decision, everyone knows that a good ol’ pro/con list is the way to go. So, with the GOP primaries rapidly approaching, I’ve decided to do all the hard work for you. May you have a merry election, and a festive Holidaymas!
Mitt Romney
Pros:
- Hair.
- Apparently nice family.
- Executive experience.
- Business experience.
Cons:
- Unclear as to whether he is, in fact, the heir to Ronald Reagan, or a shape-shifting creature from Alpha Centauri sent to destroy us all.
- Creepy.
- Creepy.
- Unsettling personality.
- Creepy.
Newt Gingrich
Pros:
- Smart...?
Cons:
- Essentially a 68 year-old man-baby.
- When he was still a thing, everyone hated him.
- First wife was his high-school math teacher.
- What?
Rick Perry
Pros:
…
Cons:
- Remember how you always wanted George W. Bush to be less intelligent, and worse at public speaking? Neither do I.
Rick Santorum
Pros:
- Not Newt, Rick, or Mitt.
Cons:
- As president, would make the entire country vaguely uncomfortable for four years.
Ron Paul
Pros:
- Delivered THOUSANDS OF BABIES.
- Consistent.
Cons:
- Consistently wrong.
- Crazy person.
- He is your frustrating libertarian/conspiracy Uncle that makes family gatherings awkward because he’s constantly ranting about the Illuminati. Can’t you just chillax and enjoy the eggnog?
Herman Cain:
Pros:
- Name of economic plan is easy to remember.
Cons:
- Economic plan is terrible.
- Not actually a candidate.
Michelle Bachmann
Pros:
- Loving foster parent.
- Likely does not secretly drink the blood of unicorns during the witching hour.
Cons:
- Creepy Christmas newsletters.
- Crazy eyes.
- Tenuous grasp of reality.
Jon Huntsman
Pros:
- Executive experience.
- Business experience.
- Knowledge of foreign policy.
- Experience dealing with China.
- Beautiful family.
- Smile can bring dead puppies back to life.
- Solidly pro-life record.
- Dropped out of high-school to play in a band called “Wizard.”
Cons:
- Sometimes thinks science is good.
- Has the misfortune to be running in the GOP primary.
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