Things I Dislike: Via Satellite Magazine.

At Nebraska Educational Telecommunications, a variety of magazines can be found scattered about the building. Some of them are quite interesting, like little hidden treasures of the office. One of them is terrible.

I’m speaking, of course, of Via Satellite magazine, the self-proclaimed “leading magazine in global coverage of the satellite enabled communications marketplace.”

Via Satellite magazine is a magazine aimed at people who are deeply interested in the business of satellite communication technology. In other words, this is a magazine aimed at a group of people that doesn’t actually exist.

You see, when I open a magazine, I expect to be delighted by either,

a) celebrity gossip,
b) political gossip,
c) pictures of food,

or,

d) a surprising story about a thing that an animal did.

Via Satellite has none of those things. It is literally the worst magazine. Nothing about what is printed in Via Satellite is enjoyable to read or look at, because everything in the magazine is about satellite technology. Reading Via Satellite is the magazine equivalent of eating a piece of meatloaf made of moist woodchips: disappointing, painful, and only mildly enjoyable in very special circumstances.

As far as I’m concerned, a satellite is just a thing in space that does something. Until America decides to stop being lame, and start using satellites as nuclear-armed death platforms, I don’t want to think about them, or read about them. No one does.

Now, some of you may be thinking, “But Abe, you’re being ridiculous! You can’t expect to be in the target audience for every obscure trade magazine in existence. Doesn’t the fact that copies of Via Satellite are stocked at NET imply that certain professionals in the broadcasting field are interested in the contents of Via Satellite?”

But, this is a terribly misguided line of thought. Let’s assume for a moment that I’m the kind of guy who deals with satellites as a part of my profession. It’s 11:30. I’ve had a tough, satellite-related morning, and now I’m jonesing for a pack of chocolate Zingers. I head to the break room, looking for a brief respite from the drudgery of my normal life. Do you think that I want to be confronted with a magazine about the very thing that makes my life a hellish slinky of tightly-coiled stress? Do I want to kick back with journalistic gems like “Eutelsat Free-to-Air Platform Looks to Capitalize on France’s Analog Switch-off?”

Of course not. I want to be entertained. I want to enter a world where b-list celebrities and lovable animals become friends, and team up to accomplish amazing things. I want to read about how Steve Buscemi and Carlton the Walrus saved an asthmatic child at Disney World. Does that sound remotely like anything that would ever be published in Via Satellite Magazine? No. Unless Steve Buscemi and Carlton the Walrus team up to increase data transmission rates to receivers in the Ukraine, their exploits will be quite absent from that rag.

Which is a tragedy.

So, for being totally boring and full of lame business and science, Via Satellite gets relegated to my personal hall of shame.

Via Satellite, shame on you. May I never encounter you in a restroom stall again.