The DangerRuss Files, Installment 1

If you live in Lincoln’s Near South neighborhood, there’s only one acceptable place to buy your groceries: the Russ’s Market at 17th and Washington. Also known as “Ghetto Russ’s” or “DangerRuss’s,” this 24-hour wonderland combines a wide selection of food products with the thrill of possibly being the site of a terrible, terrible crime. Yes, the bearded residents of the tent city located in the juice aisle will demand a toll for safe passage, but it’s a small price to pay. And if you happen to have a young goat on hand, they’ll offer you a lifetime of protection. It’s a decision you won’t regret.

Within the confines of this particular Russ’s, the curious visitor will find a glorious inner sanctum: the dollar section. Things in the dollar section cost a dollar, which is a small amount of money to pay for a thing. The dollar section is stocked with products that exist outside the bounds of time and space. In all likelihood, you have never heard of them. You have never seen them. You have never tasted them.

But I will. Because they cost a dollar, and I need something to write about.

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Dollar Item #1: Daddy Ray’s Blueberry Cereal Bars

I have a soft spot for Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Bars. Although it may be a completely fabricated memory, I’m pretty sure I ate them on several childhood road trips. In any case, blueberry Nutri-Grain Bars always conjure up the feeling of driving through rural Pennsylvania at dawn. So, I was super excited to try a $1.00 alternative: Daddy Ray’s Blueberry Cereal Bars. Would their flavor transport me to rural Pennsylvania, or a cigarette-butt-littered shoulder of the New Jersey turnpike?

Packaging:

The use of beveled text is a nice touch, recalling the graphic design stylings of your mother, circa 1997. However, the highlight of the package is Daddy Ray himself.


Daddy Ray appears to be of strong Amish stock, with an appropriately stache-less beard and fedora combo. Daddy Ray’s beaming countenance provides the shopper with a sense of serenity, perhaps representing the elusive approval of his or her own father. It’s okay to buy these “naturally and artificially flavored” cereal bars. Daddy Ray thoroughly approves.

FlavorTaste:

These little guys didn’t disappoint. At first, I was a tad hesitant about their texture. Compared to their Nutri-Grain cousins, their outer-layer was dry and crumbly, rather than chewy and tender. But instead of giving the impression that they were stale, the crumbly outer layer seemed fresh and biscuit-like. Their filling was the perfect counterpoint to the hearty cereal exterior -- bursting with blueberry flavor, and just the right amount of sweetness. Each individual bar is on the small side, so I immediately ate two. There are only six bars in a box. In theory, it would be easy to scarf down all of them in one sitting. I can neither confirm nor deny that this definitely happened.

Final Score:

3.5 / 5 Narwhals