The DangerRuss Files: Savory Collection Vodka Cream Sauce

In the world of dollar-aisle foods, none are more intriguing than the elusive Savory Collection Vodka Cream Sauce. This legendary consumable promises to combine the romance of a fine Italian meal with the raw despair of a Russian hangover.

Unfortunately, with great promise comes the chance for great disappointment. Can a single dollar really buy you the delicate balance of cream and vodka needed to fulfill your most fevered dreams of pasta bliss? As with the question, "are those berries poisonous?", there's only one prudent way to find out: you gotta put that thang in yo' mouth. 

Packaging:

Savory Collection Vodka Cream Sauce comes draped in the fanciness one would expect from an item in a collection of savory. Of particular note is the enticing copy on the back of the jar, which proclaims that Savory Collection Vodka Cream Sauce provides an "Italian" style dinner.

Yes, that's in quotes. Who could "resist" such an "authentic" sounding "meal"? Certainly not "me."

Flavortaste:

The jar suggests adding shrimp to the sauce, to transform it into true "Italian" comfort food. So, I added shrimp to the sauce. I served it over angel hair pasta. And here's the thing: it was pretty good. Having never experienced any sort of vodka cream sauce, I wasn't sure what to expect. But it turned out to be a solid tomato sauce, with just a little extra somethin'-somethin'. The shrimp was a nice touch, taking the meal beyond the level of your average weeknight pasta dish. It won't knock anyone's socks off, but for a dollar, this is a legitimately good sauce choice. And unlike pricier brands of pasta sauce, Savory Collection Vodka Cream Sauce has a surprisingly wholesome formula, devoid of an alphabet soup of additives. The top ingredients? Crushed tomatoes, cream, and vodka. Seriously. If you're like me, and you enjoy spicing things up yourself, this is a good thing.

The bottom line -- a decent sauce for a great price. Or, as the Italians would say, "the dire economic straits our country is facing, combined with the broader euro zone crisis, is threatening to destabilize the entire world!"

Final Score:

3.5 / 5 Narwhals

Fighting For A Truthier Tomorrow.

Even though the GOP primary field has been essentially whittled down to two terrible candidates, it’s hard to tell who will be leading the charge against Obama in November. But, it’s not hard to tell what rhetoric the Republican's anointed leader will be spouting. When they’re not busy proclaiming that every other candidate eats babies, the presidential hopefuls have been refining their line of attack against our arugula-lover-in-chief. The script has been well rehearsed:

"Obama doesn't believe in work."

"Obama doesn't believe in America."

"Obama wants to foster a culture of dependence."

"Obama thinks America should apologize for itself."

"Obama believes in equal outcomes instead of equal opportunity."

Now, the problem I have with these anti-Obama soundbites is that they aren't true.

I think it's perfectly valid to argue that Obama's policies are bad for economic growth. It's valid to argue that he hasn't created enough jobs. But to say that he doesn't want people to get jobs at all, or doesn't respect the concept of private-sector employment is silly. And silly anti-Obamaisms like this have been at the center of every GOP candidate's stump speech.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what Obama says, or what he does. Republicans will always see an amalgamation of left-wing clichés sitting in the oval office. For example, it doesn’t matter that Obama has followed Dubbya's defense policy to a tee, and aggressively (perhaps even illegally) expanded the war on terror beyond Iraq and Afghanistan. It doesn’t matter that he ordered the death of Bin Laden. Obama’s a liberal, and we all know that liberals are hippie-flower-child-pot-smoking-draft-dodging-America-hating-one-worlders! The man’s obviously too busy eating fancy cheese to keep us safe.

Straw-man arguments like this bother me. They bother me because I think America could be having real political debates right now, over issues like the effects of taxation on growth, the best way to control healthcare costs, and what America's proper role in the global arena should be. Republicans should argue vigorously with Barack Obama. But they should be arguing with the real Barack Obama, not the arbitrary set of liberal stereotypes they've pinned to him.

There are real differences between Obama and his would-be GOP opponents. But with the exception of gadfly Ron Paul, the differences are not as black and white as people would think. The vast majority of Republicans, like Democrats, believe in a social safety net. They believe there's a proper role for government regulation, and that taxes are necessary. Democrats and Republicans both love America, and would like America to remain a powerful global player with a strong military. Republicans and Democrats both believe that capitalism is the best way to generate wealth. The differences often lie in the details of how they would balance competing concerns. And as we all know, details are boring, and sometimes contain the devil.

Once the GOP picks their candidate, and the race starts in earnest, it’s a pretty sure bet that Obama will set up his own set of straw men to knock down. And millions of Americans will accept this as the way politics are, and always have been. We don’t care that politicians are lying, because we expect politicians to lie. We accept a comically shallow level of political discourse, because it’s what we’ve been raised on.

But should we accept it? Will we ever stand up and demand that our leaders say things that are actually connected to reality? Will we collectively reject horserace journalism that treats issues like colorful props in an ongoing soap-opera?

Probably not.

Goodnight, America. If you need me, I’ll be looking at hilarious pictures of cats doing things.

Things I Dislike: Via Satellite Magazine.

At Nebraska Educational Telecommunications, a variety of magazines can be found scattered about the building. Some of them are quite interesting, like little hidden treasures of the office. One of them is terrible.

I’m speaking, of course, of Via Satellite magazine, the self-proclaimed “leading magazine in global coverage of the satellite enabled communications marketplace.”

Via Satellite magazine is a magazine aimed at people who are deeply interested in the business of satellite communication technology. In other words, this is a magazine aimed at a group of people that doesn’t actually exist.

You see, when I open a magazine, I expect to be delighted by either,

a) celebrity gossip,
b) political gossip,
c) pictures of food,

or,

d) a surprising story about a thing that an animal did.

Via Satellite has none of those things. It is literally the worst magazine. Nothing about what is printed in Via Satellite is enjoyable to read or look at, because everything in the magazine is about satellite technology. Reading Via Satellite is the magazine equivalent of eating a piece of meatloaf made of moist woodchips: disappointing, painful, and only mildly enjoyable in very special circumstances.

As far as I’m concerned, a satellite is just a thing in space that does something. Until America decides to stop being lame, and start using satellites as nuclear-armed death platforms, I don’t want to think about them, or read about them. No one does.

Now, some of you may be thinking, “But Abe, you’re being ridiculous! You can’t expect to be in the target audience for every obscure trade magazine in existence. Doesn’t the fact that copies of Via Satellite are stocked at NET imply that certain professionals in the broadcasting field are interested in the contents of Via Satellite?”

But, this is a terribly misguided line of thought. Let’s assume for a moment that I’m the kind of guy who deals with satellites as a part of my profession. It’s 11:30. I’ve had a tough, satellite-related morning, and now I’m jonesing for a pack of chocolate Zingers. I head to the break room, looking for a brief respite from the drudgery of my normal life. Do you think that I want to be confronted with a magazine about the very thing that makes my life a hellish slinky of tightly-coiled stress? Do I want to kick back with journalistic gems like “Eutelsat Free-to-Air Platform Looks to Capitalize on France’s Analog Switch-off?”

Of course not. I want to be entertained. I want to enter a world where b-list celebrities and lovable animals become friends, and team up to accomplish amazing things. I want to read about how Steve Buscemi and Carlton the Walrus saved an asthmatic child at Disney World. Does that sound remotely like anything that would ever be published in Via Satellite Magazine? No. Unless Steve Buscemi and Carlton the Walrus team up to increase data transmission rates to receivers in the Ukraine, their exploits will be quite absent from that rag.

Which is a tragedy.

So, for being totally boring and full of lame business and science, Via Satellite gets relegated to my personal hall of shame.

Via Satellite, shame on you. May I never encounter you in a restroom stall again.

Makin' A List, Checkin' It A Certain Number Of Times.

When it’s time to make a decision, everyone knows that a good ol’ pro/con list is the way to go. So, with the GOP primaries rapidly approaching, I’ve decided to do all the hard work for you. May you have a merry election, and a festive Holidaymas!

Mitt Romney 
Pros:
- Hair. 
- Apparently nice family.
- Executive experience.
- Business experience. 

Cons:
- Unclear as to whether he is, in fact, the heir to Ronald Reagan, or a shape-shifting creature from Alpha Centauri sent to destroy us all. 
- Creepy. 
- Creepy.
- Unsettling personality.
- Creepy. 

Newt Gingrich
Pros:
- Smart...? 

Cons:
- Essentially a 68 year-old man-baby. 
- When he was still a thing, everyone hated him. 
- First wife was his high-school math teacher. 
- What? 

Rick Perry
Pros:
…

Cons:
- Remember how you always wanted George W. Bush to be less intelligent, and worse at public speaking? Neither do I. 

Rick Santorum
Pros:
- Not Newt, Rick, or Mitt. 

Cons:
- As president, would make the entire country vaguely uncomfortable for four years. 

Ron Paul
Pros:
- Delivered THOUSANDS OF BABIES. 
- Consistent.

Cons:
- Consistently wrong.
- Crazy person. 
- He is your frustrating libertarian/conspiracy Uncle that makes family gatherings awkward because he’s constantly ranting about the Illuminati. Can’t you just chillax and enjoy the eggnog? 

Herman Cain:
Pros: 
- Name of economic plan is easy to remember. 

Cons:
- Economic plan is terrible. 
- Not actually a candidate. 

Michelle Bachmann
Pros: 
- Loving foster parent.
- Likely does not secretly drink the blood of unicorns during the witching hour. 

Cons:
- Creepy Christmas newsletters.
- Crazy eyes. 
- Tenuous grasp of reality.  

Jon Huntsman
Pros:
- Executive experience. 
- Business experience.
- Knowledge of foreign policy.
- Experience dealing with China.
- Beautiful family.
- Smile can bring dead puppies back to life. 
- Solidly pro-life record.
- Dropped out of high-school to play in a band called “Wizard.”

Cons:
- Sometimes thinks science is good. 
- Has the misfortune to be running in the GOP primary. 

The DangerRuss Files, Installment 1

If you live in Lincoln’s Near South neighborhood, there’s only one acceptable place to buy your groceries: the Russ’s Market at 17th and Washington. Also known as “Ghetto Russ’s” or “DangerRuss’s,” this 24-hour wonderland combines a wide selection of food products with the thrill of possibly being the site of a terrible, terrible crime. Yes, the bearded residents of the tent city located in the juice aisle will demand a toll for safe passage, but it’s a small price to pay. And if you happen to have a young goat on hand, they’ll offer you a lifetime of protection. It’s a decision you won’t regret.

Within the confines of this particular Russ’s, the curious visitor will find a glorious inner sanctum: the dollar section. Things in the dollar section cost a dollar, which is a small amount of money to pay for a thing. The dollar section is stocked with products that exist outside the bounds of time and space. In all likelihood, you have never heard of them. You have never seen them. You have never tasted them.

But I will. Because they cost a dollar, and I need something to write about.

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Dollar Item #1: Daddy Ray’s Blueberry Cereal Bars

I have a soft spot for Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Bars. Although it may be a completely fabricated memory, I’m pretty sure I ate them on several childhood road trips. In any case, blueberry Nutri-Grain Bars always conjure up the feeling of driving through rural Pennsylvania at dawn. So, I was super excited to try a $1.00 alternative: Daddy Ray’s Blueberry Cereal Bars. Would their flavor transport me to rural Pennsylvania, or a cigarette-butt-littered shoulder of the New Jersey turnpike?

Packaging:

The use of beveled text is a nice touch, recalling the graphic design stylings of your mother, circa 1997. However, the highlight of the package is Daddy Ray himself.


Daddy Ray appears to be of strong Amish stock, with an appropriately stache-less beard and fedora combo. Daddy Ray’s beaming countenance provides the shopper with a sense of serenity, perhaps representing the elusive approval of his or her own father. It’s okay to buy these “naturally and artificially flavored” cereal bars. Daddy Ray thoroughly approves.

FlavorTaste:

These little guys didn’t disappoint. At first, I was a tad hesitant about their texture. Compared to their Nutri-Grain cousins, their outer-layer was dry and crumbly, rather than chewy and tender. But instead of giving the impression that they were stale, the crumbly outer layer seemed fresh and biscuit-like. Their filling was the perfect counterpoint to the hearty cereal exterior -- bursting with blueberry flavor, and just the right amount of sweetness. Each individual bar is on the small side, so I immediately ate two. There are only six bars in a box. In theory, it would be easy to scarf down all of them in one sitting. I can neither confirm nor deny that this definitely happened.

Final Score:

3.5 / 5 Narwhals

At The Very Least, I Think We Can Agree That Jon Hodgman Is Far More Awesome/Hilarious Than The Relatively Obnoxious Justin Long.

For the first time in 7 years, I’m a PC user.

I don’t think this is a big deal.

Don’t get me wrong -- I like Apple. A few quirks aside, Mac OS is by far the most polished operating system currently in existence. And design-wise, Apple hardware is the best you can get. If money is not an object, and you don’t care about playing games, an Apple computer is the best choice out there. If an Apple computer was a car, it would be a Rolls-Royce.

But in the computer world, as in the car world, most people can get along just fine in a Toyota.

On the other side of the equation, Windows isn’t terrible. In fact, it’s kind of cool. Some Windows 7 features, like the window snapping that lets you automatically split your screen between two programs, are delightful. The inevitable bloatware that gets slapped on top of Microsoft’s vanilla Windows distribution is annoying, but most of it can be swept away. Hardware-wise, PCs have the same stuff under the hood as Macs, a fact that makes treating Macs and PCs as two completely different platforms rather dubious. And you can get PCs with some things (Blu-Ray drives, card readers, etc.) that you simply can’t get on a Mac.

Are some PCs crappy and defective? Yes. But no one has a monopoly on glitchy hardware.

I’ve used two Apple laptops over the past 7 years. Both had major hardware issues, including defective graphic cards, ridiculously defective batteries, chronic overheating, and dead pixels. Since both of the computers were purchased by the company I worked for, I didn’t lose much sleep over those problems. But if I had been the one dropping $2500 for a laptop, I think it would have been a different story. This isn’t to say Apple makes crappy computers. Consumer reliability surveys indicate that Apple generally makes pretty decent computers. However, I am saying that Apple isn’t magical. Apple's computers are assembled by sweatshop workers in China, just like that hideous HP box your cousin has. The biggest difference: once Apple’s computers exit the sweatshop, they cost a grand more.

And thus, I purchased a PC.

On the most basic level, a computer is something you use to do things. When I was young, and just wanted to mess around with stuff, my DIY Linux box was ideal. When my job provided me with a Mac to do digital media work, I couldn't have been happier. And now, as a recent graduate who doesn't have an obscene amount of money, a PC laptop fits the bill.

Everyone wants you to chose a side in the computer wars, and defend it with your life. But in computers, as in politics, partisanship just makes you look silly. I’m a techno-pluralist to the core. I love Apple’s ruthless focus on design and minimalism. I love the .conf-editing and command-line-hacking craziness of Linux. And I love Microsoft’s hit-and-miss, and often endearingly nerdy, approach to innovation. Once you stop treating your platform of choice as an article of faith, you can start to appreciate that they all bring something to the table.

In other words: chill, people.

All The Ugly People

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For the sake of your name, LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

Psalm 25:11

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I don’t like ugly people.

I’m not trying to be senselessly provocative, and I’m certainly not making a moral statement. But it is a true statement.

If you live in a normal, American, middle-class neighborhood, with normal, American, middle-class neighbors, you may not know any ugly people. What’s more, the magic of suburbia is such that it’s likely that you never have to encounter ugly people in your day-to-day life. Except, perhaps, at Wal-Mart.

In a poor, high-density neighborhood, you don’t get that luxury. Where I live, a lot of people are impoverished. Many of them are ugly. They wear ugly clothing. They have terrible hygiene. They speak with slurred, ugly voices. They didn’t finish college, or high school. They aren’t the kind of people I want to be friends with, or spend time on.

Sometimes, they ask for help. Or money. I don’t give it to them. They’ll probably just buy drugs anyway, right?

The doctrine that all men are image-bearers of Christ can be repeated to the point of cliché. I know it by heart. But even so, my heart doesn’t really know it. When I walk past a vagrant, I’m much more likely to think white trash than eternal, glorious reflection of the Creator.

In the evangelical world, it’s popular to focus on big-ticket sins you can write books on conquering. Addictions like pornography and alcohol. Social problems like marital unfaithfulness and divorce. But beneath the surface of my life, I know there’s a world of deep, rooted sin that I can’t even begin to comprehend. There’s so much pride and hatred stored up that I could spend a lifetime fighting it, and never achieve victory.

Wishing that someone would cease to exist is the highest level of hatred I can think of. But as I avoid eye-contact with the undesirables smoking on the porch of my apartment building while littering the yard with Corona cans, this unspoken wish passes through my mind. When I take an honest look at my heart, I see more Hitler than Jesus.

Even when my mind tries to mask the hate in nice little thoughts.

Wouldn’t it be nice if this neighborhood were a little more... gentrified?
Full of quirky young people who listen to Grizzly Bear and repair bikes?
What if that charming Victorian could be restored to a single-family home, with a responsible, middle-class family inside?
Perhaps there wouldn’t be so many of THOSE people here...

Maybe that’s one of the reasons I don’t like ugly people. My heart’s reaction to them reveals my true self. It shows that despite the fact that I’ve gone to church every Sunday since I was born, I’m more inclined to hatred than love. I’d rather lock myself inside and read a book about God’s grace than show grace to anyone who doesn’t reach my standard of personhood.

It turns out that I’m ugly too. Fortunately, there’s someone else who doesn’t just like ugly people, but loves them. And better yet, forgives them.