9 Things You Absolutely Must Do Before Turning 23.8
Jobs in offices are for the elderly, and mole people. You’re young, which means you’re more awesome, free-spirited, and intelligent than everyone else. Don’t settle for any job that isn’t related to "creative" things in some way. Ideally, this job will have “creative” in the title. If you can’t find a job like that, starting an Internet company is a good thing to do. Also, anything involving “community,” “typography,” or “outreach.” Starting a community-based Internet company specializing in typography outreach will allow you to attain +5 Wizard Powers automatically. If you fail to do any of these things, your life will be a bleak, lonely dune in the vast desert of existence.
2. ALSO, DON’T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING ELSE.
Let’s say you have a friend who you like. A lot. But, there are some things about him / her that get on your nerves. For example, his or her attitude toward returning library books in a timely fashion is surprisingly blasé. Red flag much? Yes, as you may have guessed, people like this are toxic to your future. Treat them like a cub-bereft mother bear, and run away. Life is too short to hang with people who aren’t as incredible and ambitious as you. And it’s not just people. Is the bread on your PB&J a little dry? Toss that loaftrap to a squirrel. Do your legs get fatigued while walking up the stairs? Rip out those dead-weights, and find appendages that actually fit your lifestyle. Because if you’re not careful, all that mediocrity will drag you down, like a millstone around the neck of your rapidly diminishing chances of fulfillment.
3. READ SOME BOOKS THAT I’VE READ.
- Ottoman Centuries: The Rise and Fall of the Turkish Empire, by Lord Kinross
- Bossypants, by Tina Fey
- Perelandra, by C.S. Lewis
Those are three books I’ve read at various points during my life. Everyone who wants to be successful has to read them as well. If you don’t read those exact books, in that order, your life will be a withered corn husk resting on the cold, tiled floor of life.
4. GET INVOLVED IN A CAUSE OF GREAT IMPORTANCE.
Everyone likes to talk about social justice, but how many of us actually take the next step? And no, “liking” a page on Facebook isn’t enough. To truly make a difference, you have to actually share posts from those pages. Of course, you can't just support any supposedly "good" cause. The best causes are ones that involve gays, micro-loans and human trafficking. Best case scenario: sharing a post from a charity that gives micro-loans to married gay couples involved in fighting human trafficking in Africa. Staying silent isn’t an option, and if you don’t speak up now, your life will be a fetid banana peel covered in coffee grounds at the bottom of the cosmic trash bag.
5. FOLLOW MY CONFUSING, CONTRADICTORY ADVICE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.
Since you were a wee tot, you've been filled with lies about relationships. You've been told there’s only one magical person out there who’s right for you, and that romance is all about experiencing an emotional high. But the hard truth of the matter is that to truly love anyone involves effort, and deliberate choice. At the same time, don’t be afraid to drop your significant other like a sack of flour if they’re weighing you down from achieving your professional goals, or if you feel like you’re somehow settling for him or her. (Never settle!) You see, the true success of any relationship comes down to a combination of followings gut feelings, and ignoring gut feelings. Discovering this balance will be hard, but if you don’t figure it out, your life will be a bleached antelope skeleton on the side of a refreshingly well-paved -- but still quite dangerous* -- interstate highway ramp.
6. GAIN AN APPRECIATION FOR WINE.
Since the dawn of man, men have enjoyed crafting tools and gathering food. Shortly after, they began appreciating wine. Later, women joined in the fun. You should learn to appreciate wine. Otherwise, you’ll be that 23.8 year-old who doesn’t appreciate wine. Which is bad.
7. REMEMBER THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE IS AN INTANGIBLE SENSE OF BEING A LITTLE BIT COOLER THAN OTHER PEOPLE.
By the time your 24th birthday rolls around, and the best years of your life have come to an end, the most important things won’t be the people and places you've invested your time in. In the end, it’s all about looking back on your early 20s, and being able to think, “well, I’ve been a pretty cool person.” Take a complete assessment of your life. Compared to most people you know, how would you rate your taste in music? When people hear about your job, do they envision you rocking a sweet modern-cut suit jacket + skinny jean combo, or wearing pleated, relaxed-fit khakis? Virtually the entire meaning of your life rests in the mental image other people have of you. Keep this in mind, and you can avoid the shame of being yet another fiddlercrab of sorrow, doing a solemn dance across the mangrove swamp of broken dreams.
8. TRAVEL TO A LOT OF PLACES. ESPECIALLY EUROPE, AND MORE SPECIFICALLY, THE NETHERLANDS
Did you know there are other countries? It’s true! And travelling to any number of them will give you insights on life so deep that other Americans will seem like ignorant-but-affectionate muskrats. Europe is an excellent group of countries to visit, because the Europeans have already advanced to the next stage of evolution, and will soon be able to hover at will, using the power of their enlarged cerebral cortexes. There’s really no excuse for not spending at least a month in Europe, travelling across its many countries, and appreciating its many wines. But if you’re a hobo or recently-released convict who can only afford a short trip to a single country, you should definitely go to The Netherlands. Visiting the sophisticated Lands of Nether will allow you to constantly interject meaningful statements about America’s backward puritanism during almost any conversation.
Example: “You know, when I was in Amsterdam, everyone did pot -- but they could still miraculously hover a few inches off the ground using only the power of their enlarged cerebral cortexes!”
Staying locked away in the cupboard of America’s close-minded empire of repression is a terrible choice. You’re young, and it’s time to go to magical places. Otherwise, your life will be a cat-sized toilet in a cats-only restroom designed for cats who are trained to use cat-sized toilets instead of litter boxes for their personal biz.
9. MAKE SURE YOU READ LOTS OF OTHER NUMBERED LISTS ABOUT WHAT TO DO BEFORE AN ARBITRARY POINT IN YOUR TWENTIES.
Would Alexander the Great have truly been “great,” if he hadn't followed Aristotle’s “An Assortment of Activities You Must Engage in Before Attaining the Age of Twenty and Five Years?” Prolly not. Through the ages, all great men and women have followed checklists of milestones provided to them by people on the Internet. Seeking out these lists, and taking them to heart, is perhaps the most important skill to master in the first 39% of your twenties. If you refuse to seek out this wisdom, your life will become a cautionary pop-up book, read to future moon-babies for millennia to come.
*For antelope, that is.
